#willweeverbethesame

*Excitement*

1. the state of being excited 2. a person or thing that excites; stimulation or thrill...

So most of you know we have been hoping & praying to adopt a newborn for the past 4 years. Two months ago we where introduced to a birth mom & after a casual meeting with her she told us the best news of our lives... she wanted us to adopt her baby. We were on cloud 9, that meant our dreams of being parents from the very beginning of a sweet little babies life was about to come true in 2 short months. We were so excited, we had 2 months to get our house new born ready & pick a name for our baby & that's just what we did. We were buying diapers, wipes, bottles, a bassinet, his first Halloween out fit (oh yes It was a boy). Every one was just as excited as Michael & I because they knew of the struggles we have been through to get to this very point, it seems we got a new package from friends & family every week for baby "L".

*Trust*

1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing. 2. Custody; care. 3. Something committed into the care of another...

Our birth mother... Hummm... OK this is my blog so I'm gonna tell it like it is... she wasn't young, she was a 27 year old ADULT that had already made a very adult decision & had aborted 2 prior babies (God bless their little souls) & went in to abort this sweet baby boy. BUT by the grace of GOD he hid this baby from her for 5 1/2 months & they told her she was to far along to take his little life (praise Jesus)!

She was an edgy/artsy girl covered in tatts (no judging I have a couple of little tatts myself) she had the big ear plates as ear rings, she was a roller girl & roller skated 3 times a week. She was a very pretty girl, she seemed to be immature, she didn't work, her mom said she stayed up all night & slept half the day, she said she went to Starbucks 3 times a day (who can afford that with no job)!?!?! But all in all the entire 2 months we knew her & went to her doctor & sono appointments she was very sweet & kind, she was also VERY dependent on her mother who was with her at EVERY single appointment (yes I said she is 27). It seemed she couldn't do anything with out her mom, but that was OK because I liked her mom, she was a nice lady whom I became very close too. Her mom & I texted each other a few times a day & talked on the phone about upcoming appointments and she seemed genuinely happy that her daughter was going to give that sweet baby to us. She said she had prayed about it & that she was so happy that God put us in there life, they both gave us there word & told us MULTIPLE times that we would never ever, NEVER EVER have to worry about her changing her mind, that she knew 100 & 10% that this was what she wanted. The mom said she truly & deeply knew that her daughter made the right decision & that she supported her because she couldn't raise him for her & that they WOULD NOT change their mind. ( LIARS )

*Joy*

1. a. Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness.
b. The expression or manifestation of such feeling.
2. A source or an object of pleasure or satisfaction: their only child, their pride and joy.
To take great pleasure; rejoice.

October 18th 2011, the day we were to meet our son... OUR SON (I loved saying our son). Oops back up one day, so the night before the big day we took our birth mom, her mother & little sister to dinner so we could have one last time of fellowship together before the big day. We had a really nice dinner & we had put together a gift basket for her, (I felt like that was the least we could do) it had some comfy PJ's, a nice robe, some magazines, lotions, snack foods, a journal (with a very personal note that I wrote to her in it) and a very special necklace from James Avery. She was very grateful & said she loved it! (She was wearing the necklace the next morning in the delivery room). So Michael & I go home after dinner super excited & nervous. We stayed up till 1:00 packing his little diaper bag, packing our overnight bag, charging our camera's for his little photo shoot, making sure all the last minute things at the house were done & ready to bring our baby boy home. 3:15am the alarm on my phone goes off (I don't think we ever really slept because we were so excited & anxious).

*Ecstatic*

1. in a state of great rapture or delight
2. showing or feeling great enthusiasm;
a person who has periods of intense joy

Its 4:00am and we are at the hospital waiting to go back in to her room in Labor & Delivery. We are both so excited & beyond happy she was allowing me in the room during the delivery. They got a late start due to the other momma's having babies (there was a storm the night before & they say that storms can bring on labor & I guess it's true) So they started the induction & broke her water at 11:00 & at 1:49pm I was standing in the room tears streaming down my face watching my son being born. She only labored for 3 hours & pushed twice?!? For not wanting babies she sure is a rock star at having them :o/

As soon as he was breathing & suctioned out they were whisking him into our own little room where we met Michael. We talked to him telling him how much we loved him & how long we had been praying for him, we thanked God for him, we had tears of joy poring down both of our faces.. even his baby nurse was crying. Then we got to hold & feed our little man he was a perfect little baby boy made in the eyes of Jesus, we were beyond happy & life was perfect! Our 4 long years of prayers had been answered. We allowed the birth moms family to come into OUR room with OUR family to see him (even tho we had papers saying we didn't have to, we gave them our word & we kept it) It was time for everyone to leave & time for the 3 of us to settle in for the night. We were never more excited to not get any sleep & do the feedings every 3 hours (**it really pisses us off when people with babies say to us you should adopt a older baby so you can skip the sleepless nights & poopie diapers?!?! WTH.. I wanna say screw you we would do anything to have sleepless nights & change poopie diapers so EFFFF off)!! Sorry back to our night with our perfect baby, he slept in my arms all night & I think I looked at his perfect little face all night, it was heaven on earth! The next morning we had friends & family coming to meet him, he was so sweet & just cuddled and slept in every ones arms. Around 1:00 the hospital case worker came in to tell us the were about to discharge the birth mom & have her sign the papers & wanted to take him for her to say her good byes & have closure. We said absolutely, she had told us 100 times she didn't want to EVER be a mom & we had no fears so off he went.. 1hour goes by...2 hours go by... then the case worker walked back in to our little happy bubble, the place where our dreams had finally come true, the place where we had wept with joy to God for blessing us with a son, the place where our prayer were answered... she didn't have to say a word, it was all over her face. Then the words that shattered the joy, shattered our dreams & shattered our prayers "she changed her mind, I'm so sorry but she is keeping him."

*Anger*

A strong feeling of displeasure or hostility

Today 1 week later I am numb, I have cried so much this week I don't feel like I have any tears left. Today one week later at home with out our son whom we were promised, I am very angry.

I am angry because we were lied to.

I am angry because we let our guard down & trusted these people.

I am angry because we had to come home with out a baby in our car seat.

I am angry because that sweet baby went home with a mother who just 4 months earlier tried to end his life.

I am angry because we had to explain to little miss priss that the little brother that she had just met at the hospital that very morning, the one she said prayers for every night was not coming home.

I am angry because we had to send out a mass text & e-mail to our friends & family telling them the horrific news.

I am angry because we had to have our family help us pack up all of his stuff in our house so we didn't have to see it anymore.

I am angry because we have pictures on our camera & phones that we cant bring our self's to erase.

I am angry because we let her family in OUR room even tho we didn't have to.

I am angry because he can't wear the little Halloween outfit we got him.

I am angry because we didn't get to tell him good bye.

I am angry because we where only parents for 24 hours.

I am angry because we have to start over.

I am angry because we are to scared to start over.

I am angry because we don't think we can ever trust anyone ever again.

I am angry because we have a huge hole in our hearts.

I am angry because I'm so mad I can't pray.

I am angry because it kills me to see my rock of a husband cry.

I am angry because I am so mad at God.

I am angry because I'm back at work and not on maternity leave.

I am angry because God let us go through the most awful thing imaginable.
What more God, why are you putting us through this? We already went through a failed In-Vetro, an emergency hysterectomy, all the different babies that were presented to us that never happened... And now the worst of all... seeing what we where told for 2 months was our son, our baby "L" having him in our arms holding & loving him for 24 hours only to be taken from us after we fell madly deeply in love with him.

Today 1 week later I am VERY angry!

Baby proofin' & Baby showers...

As most of you know we are adopting through CPS with the foster to adopt program. There is a long list of rules that come with fostering to adopt & one of them is all medicines & house hold cleaning supplies have to be locked up. Well with a house that was built in the early 50's there is NO closet/storage space. Every closet, cabinet, nook & cranny in our house is full to it's maximum capacity. So we had to come up with a plan, so I went to canton in search of some kind of storage help and found the perfect solution, SCHOOL LOCKERS! We sanded, cleaned & painted them & they turned out perfect.

My "SIL" Amy & my best friend Katie threw me a "stock the nursery" shower a few weekends ago. I am still very humbled & grateful for such amazing support from our family & friends.

This nursery/baby defiantly got showered/stocked.

We got so much wonderful baby stuff that I'm racking my brain for another storage idea ;o)

These where the preggo's of the group (excluding me of course)

some one got me a baby ;)

Psalms 126:3 The Lord has done great things for us and our hearts are filled with joy.

The New Journey begins...

Well we have embarked on a new journey in our adoption process & I thought I would share it with you. As you all (or most of you) know we have been trying to adopt for three years now.

We were hoping to adopt the "private" route. If your not familiar with private adoptions it is an adoption that bypass the use of agencies. Usually you hear of a birth mom that wants to put her baby up for adoption & your profile is presented to her. If she picks you as the family a lawyer will handle all the legal documents, negotiate payments to the birthmother, and represent you at the adoption court hearing. This has been a long 3 years with a roller coaster of emotions many different "prospects" but none that ever worked.

We contacted many different agencies but never really felt like we where a good fit. Until we found the latest agency that we LOVED but after 2 phone interviews and a lot of getting our hopes up we decided that 40,000 is not an option for at this time. Unless we when the lotto, but with our luck I know that will never happen!

So we have decided we are finally going to take down that "wall" we put up about CPS foster to adopt. The thought of having a precious baby placed in our home only to be taken away in a few weeks, months or sometimes even a year absolutely devastated us. But after a lot of praying and talking with other people that had adopted through fostering I had that "Ahaaa" moment!

Your own children are not promised to you forever. You never know when God will decided to call them home. So the children that are placed in CPS care need a home more than we will ever know. What a blessing to think you may have been the safe place that protected that child from whatever abuse it was removed from and just possibly saved it's life. If that baby's parents get their life back on track then then that was Gods will... praise Jesus. If not then we will be double blessed; blessed from helping a child in need & blessed because our prayers will be answered of finally becoming parents.

I often wonder will you be a newborn?

Will you be a little toddler?

Will you be a brother & sister pair?

or will you be twins?

The one thing I do know with every ounce of my being is that you are perfect! You are a child made in the eyes of Jesus & picked out just for us. God knew before you where even conceived that you belonged with us & that we are meant to be your Mommy & Daddy. We are meant to love, protect, mentor and guide you to be all that he has planed for you. I cant wait to meet you & I know you are coming soon I can feel it! Thank you Jesus for protecting "our little one" until you bring them home to us!

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Christmas Around Our House

I was looking around our house at all of our Christmas decorations and I would look at something and think to myself that is my favorite decoration... no that's my favorite. What can I say I love all of my decorations each piece has a special meaning or it's something that makes me happy. Then I started thinking about what Christmas means to me.

First it is the MAGIC of the little baby in a manger. (Jesus is the reason of the season ya know)! It's also the JOY of decorations, lights & glittery things. It's the HOPE of being able to share all of these special things with a child of our own one day. It's the HAPPINESS you see on your niece's & nephew's faces when they open their gifts. It's the LOVE of time spent with FAMILY & FRIENDS. That is what this time of year means to me. Enjoy pictures of our home & the things that are priceless to us.

Merry Christmas from our home to yours!

Just Sayin'

"By adopting a child and helping them reach their potential, they help us reach ours. An adopted child is not an unwanted child; to the contrary. They are a child who was searched for, prayed for, cried for, begged for, received by arms that ached, making empty hearts full. Love is meant to be shared" (Author unknown)

OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD!!!!!!

Wow God keeps revealing him self to me & showing me how amazing his is when you put your Trust and FAITH in him. Last Tuesday when I had that sleepless night I was lying in bed thinking I need to reach out to this young woman... so that's when I decided to give her my adoption book & the note. I had not heard from her at that point & had no idea what would come from this but felt led to do so. WELL.... I open my new bible study book today to read my chapter and it said: There are times in life when we must take a step forward in order to find out, one way or the other, what we should do. Some doors will never open unless we take a step toward them. It also said: if i pray about a situation and dont seem to know what I should do, I take a step of faith. WOW I took that step & she called the next day..... OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD!!!!!!

These are words to a song my dear sis-in-law Ashleigh found for Michale & I... (talk about the ulgy cry again)

This is The Gift We Could Not Give Each Other
Words and Music by Michael Mclean

When she was a little girl she held her dolls like children. Dreaming of the day when she'd have babies of her own. Now those dolls lie on a shelf as lifeless as the dreams she dreamed. It's become the deepest ache her heart has ever known. There's a man who's trying his best to comfort her with roses.Telling her he'll find a way to make their dreams come true. He's been saying this for years,but now his tears reveal the truth. In his heart he fears there's nothing else that they can do. Then a gift is given, a phone call straight from heaven. There's a child that's nearly due that a young girl's giving you. She gave more than just one life when she makes of this man and wife a father and a mother. She gives the gift they could not give each other. More than we could ever know this couple thanks the heavens. Every time they hold their child,they feel they hold the world. Words will never be enough to share the way the family feels. From deep inside their hearts they want to tell that girl: Not a day is ever through till we've thanked the Lord for you. Your sweetness lingers near in our hearts and thoughts and prayers. You gave more than just one life when you made of this man and wife, a Father and a Mother. When you gave the gift we could not give each other.You have changed our lives forever. Only you and God above could give this gift of love we could not give each other.

Not a day is ever through till we've thanked the Lord for you. Your sweetness lingers near in our hearts and thoughts and prayers. You gave more than just one life when you made of this man and wife, a Father and a Mother. When you gave the gift we could not give each other.You have changed our lives forever. Only you and God above could give this gift of love we could not give each other....... this is when the ugly cry started!!! I cant wait till the day I get to tell a very special girl those beautiful words!

God's Amazing Work.....

This is going to be a long post, but definitely worth reading. Get out the Kleenex!!!!

I have never felt more lifted up by the grace of our Father than I do now. Most of you know Michael & I are trying to adopt. Three weeks ago we dropped off our profile for a potential birth mom. I can say this is the longest three weeks of my life, we have been praying like nobodies business! I went three weeks not hearing anything and I couldn't take it any more. I decided I needed to try and reach out to this young girl to let her know that I care about her as well as the baby and that we are praying for them every day. I decided to give her a book called Adoption Miracles. My dear friend Allie gave it to me and it touched my heart & helped to answer some of the questions I had regarding adoption. I got a blank card,wrote a simple note & put it with the book. My friend ask me to come to a bible study where this young girls boss would be & said that I could give this lady the note & book to give to the young girl. Well the bible study was AMAZING I loved every minute of it, the women were all so sweet & they welcomed me with open arms, I laughed, I cried (the ugly cry with snot and mascara running wild) it was such a spiritual night. This one woman was there and she had a praise she wanted to share with every one.....

The post below is off of my NEW friend's blog, and the young lady she refers to in this post is ME! Now sit back and read about God & his amazing work!!!!

OK, so I have a few minutes to type about what happened at bible study last night. It was so powerful to me, I HAVE to share! So I joined this bible study a little over a month ago, and I love it. One of the first nights I was there, a lady talked about a situation in her life. She has a daycare and one of her employees found out she was pregnant. She wanted to have an abortion. So prayers were lifted for this girl and for this baby in her womb, that God protect this child. She went to the Dr. and found out she was 6 months pregnant, and couldn't have an abortion. Thank you God! So she was looking into adoption. I wanted to jump across that room and cram my information in her hand to pass along to this girl. I felt myself jump in my chair! But I refrained. I thought about it all night, and went home and prayed about it. I woke up the next morning with this AMAZING peace about the situation. I didn't feel led to approach her about the adoption, but I felt led to pray for her and I have ever since that day.

Fast forward a few weeks. Last night I was at bible study. I gave my praise about our adoption situation. The lady that leads the bible study was in tears, and so was I. Absolute tears of joy, gratitude, gratefulness and appreciation for the gift that God is blessing us with. I look around the room and many of the ladies are teary eyed. But there is this one girl sobbing. I realized that I knew her (well know OF her through a friend of mine, it is her sister in law). So I say to myself I need to go talk to her after bible study. This precious young lady has struggled with infertility for a while. I didn't know she was trying to adopt, but it got brought up later in bible study. I was asked to pray over her and gladly accepted. I know her pain, I know her struggles, I have walked in her shoes. But, I have been blessed with two beautiful sons, so I imagine her pain and struggle is greater than mine. She is a sweet young lady and I truly feel in my heart that God has a child picked out for her. So, over the course of the night it was brought up that she is trying to adopt this baby. I was overcome with chills. Overcome with emotion KNOWING why God gave me such peace about that situation. This baby wasn't for me, it is someone else's. God had plans for me in the works, he has my baby picked out for me. And this absolutely precious young lady just might be the one that is able to adopt the baby that we had talked about several weeks before.

This post may not be for anyone but myself but WHAT A CONFIRMATION of faith, of listening to Him, of God's greatness and God's plan. I just sat there in awe of my Heavenly Father last night. So after bible study this young lady and I talked for quite a while. She HAS a baby coming to her, I can feel it. God is working on getting that child to her, I know it. I just pray that it is this baby that should be here in the next couple months. If you have a moment after reading this, and feel compelled to do so.... I ask that you please pray for Michael and Sarah, for this birth mom and for this baby.


PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR MICHAEL, MYSELF & THIS SWEET GIRL & THIS PRECIOUS GIFT FROM GOD!!!!!! WHAT AN AMAZING GOD WE HAVE!!!!!

Hope

I found this angel right after we made the decision to adopt. It says " however motherhood comes to you it's a miracle". Talk about getting a sign from the big man. I keep it in my kitchen window so I can read it every day. When getting out the decorations for Christmas I came across this HOPE ornament & thought the two belonged together. I know the good Lord will bless us with a beautiful baby, I HOPE sooner then later, but he knows his plans for us, so this Christmas & everyday I just pray that God will protect our baby till he or she comes home to us.

Adoption Profile

Please feel free to forward this one to anyone that might have some information or might be able to help. Thank you!

Michael & I have been married since November 2004 and live in the Dallas area. Michael and I met when he asked me to his senior prom, and we have been together since that day over 12 years ago. Michael is one of the most kind, compassionate and generous people I have ever met. It is impossible to be in a bad mood around him because within minutes he will have you laughing. His sense of humor and quick wit initially drew me to him but his kindness and warm heart won me over. Michael is a hard worker and a wonderful provider. In his free time he enjoys re-modeling our home, yard work, and playing league & tournament softball.

I work for a local dentist as a Dental Assistant. I worked for a dentist right out of high school, then life took me down a different career path as a cosmetologist. I found my way back to the dental profession and fell in love with this field. I only work four days a week and absolutely love my Fridays off! I love working out, I am an avid runner and I am currently training to compete in a triathlon in August. I enjoy working in our flower beds (I’m still striving for yard of the month). I also enjoy working in the nursery at our church on Sunday mornings, I have the “crawlers” who always brighten my day. Family & friends mean the world to me. We have two nieces and two nephews whom we absolutely adore. They love visiting their “Aunt Sissy” and “Uncle Booboo”.

Michael and I have been through extensive fertility treatments including In-vitro fertilization to conceive, but sadly have not been successful. We believe in our hearts that God must have a different plan for us and that we are meant to adopt. You have taken such a brave step to consider adoption, and for that we are eternally grateful. We believe our strong faith, love, and commitment to each other will be the foundation for our family. With these we can promise this precious baby will be loved and nurtured to be the person he or she is destined to be. Your loving decision will always be in our hearts and your child will always know how courageous, selfless, and truly loving you are. We want to commend you for your strength and courage and may God continue to bless you.