#willweeverbethesame

*Excitement*

1. the state of being excited 2. a person or thing that excites; stimulation or thrill...

So most of you know we have been hoping & praying to adopt a newborn for the past 4 years. Two months ago we where introduced to a birth mom & after a casual meeting with her she told us the best news of our lives... she wanted us to adopt her baby. We were on cloud 9, that meant our dreams of being parents from the very beginning of a sweet little babies life was about to come true in 2 short months. We were so excited, we had 2 months to get our house new born ready & pick a name for our baby & that's just what we did. We were buying diapers, wipes, bottles, a bassinet, his first Halloween out fit (oh yes It was a boy). Every one was just as excited as Michael & I because they knew of the struggles we have been through to get to this very point, it seems we got a new package from friends & family every week for baby "L".

*Trust*

1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing. 2. Custody; care. 3. Something committed into the care of another...

Our birth mother... Hummm... OK this is my blog so I'm gonna tell it like it is... she wasn't young, she was a 27 year old ADULT that had already made a very adult decision & had aborted 2 prior babies (God bless their little souls) & went in to abort this sweet baby boy. BUT by the grace of GOD he hid this baby from her for 5 1/2 months & they told her she was to far along to take his little life (praise Jesus)!

She was an edgy/artsy girl covered in tatts (no judging I have a couple of little tatts myself) she had the big ear plates as ear rings, she was a roller girl & roller skated 3 times a week. She was a very pretty girl, she seemed to be immature, she didn't work, her mom said she stayed up all night & slept half the day, she said she went to Starbucks 3 times a day (who can afford that with no job)!?!?! But all in all the entire 2 months we knew her & went to her doctor & sono appointments she was very sweet & kind, she was also VERY dependent on her mother who was with her at EVERY single appointment (yes I said she is 27). It seemed she couldn't do anything with out her mom, but that was OK because I liked her mom, she was a nice lady whom I became very close too. Her mom & I texted each other a few times a day & talked on the phone about upcoming appointments and she seemed genuinely happy that her daughter was going to give that sweet baby to us. She said she had prayed about it & that she was so happy that God put us in there life, they both gave us there word & told us MULTIPLE times that we would never ever, NEVER EVER have to worry about her changing her mind, that she knew 100 & 10% that this was what she wanted. The mom said she truly & deeply knew that her daughter made the right decision & that she supported her because she couldn't raise him for her & that they WOULD NOT change their mind. ( LIARS )

*Joy*

1. a. Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness.
b. The expression or manifestation of such feeling.
2. A source or an object of pleasure or satisfaction: their only child, their pride and joy.
To take great pleasure; rejoice.

October 18th 2011, the day we were to meet our son... OUR SON (I loved saying our son). Oops back up one day, so the night before the big day we took our birth mom, her mother & little sister to dinner so we could have one last time of fellowship together before the big day. We had a really nice dinner & we had put together a gift basket for her, (I felt like that was the least we could do) it had some comfy PJ's, a nice robe, some magazines, lotions, snack foods, a journal (with a very personal note that I wrote to her in it) and a very special necklace from James Avery. She was very grateful & said she loved it! (She was wearing the necklace the next morning in the delivery room). So Michael & I go home after dinner super excited & nervous. We stayed up till 1:00 packing his little diaper bag, packing our overnight bag, charging our camera's for his little photo shoot, making sure all the last minute things at the house were done & ready to bring our baby boy home. 3:15am the alarm on my phone goes off (I don't think we ever really slept because we were so excited & anxious).

*Ecstatic*

1. in a state of great rapture or delight
2. showing or feeling great enthusiasm;
a person who has periods of intense joy

Its 4:00am and we are at the hospital waiting to go back in to her room in Labor & Delivery. We are both so excited & beyond happy she was allowing me in the room during the delivery. They got a late start due to the other momma's having babies (there was a storm the night before & they say that storms can bring on labor & I guess it's true) So they started the induction & broke her water at 11:00 & at 1:49pm I was standing in the room tears streaming down my face watching my son being born. She only labored for 3 hours & pushed twice?!? For not wanting babies she sure is a rock star at having them :o/

As soon as he was breathing & suctioned out they were whisking him into our own little room where we met Michael. We talked to him telling him how much we loved him & how long we had been praying for him, we thanked God for him, we had tears of joy poring down both of our faces.. even his baby nurse was crying. Then we got to hold & feed our little man he was a perfect little baby boy made in the eyes of Jesus, we were beyond happy & life was perfect! Our 4 long years of prayers had been answered. We allowed the birth moms family to come into OUR room with OUR family to see him (even tho we had papers saying we didn't have to, we gave them our word & we kept it) It was time for everyone to leave & time for the 3 of us to settle in for the night. We were never more excited to not get any sleep & do the feedings every 3 hours (**it really pisses us off when people with babies say to us you should adopt a older baby so you can skip the sleepless nights & poopie diapers?!?! WTH.. I wanna say screw you we would do anything to have sleepless nights & change poopie diapers so EFFFF off)!! Sorry back to our night with our perfect baby, he slept in my arms all night & I think I looked at his perfect little face all night, it was heaven on earth! The next morning we had friends & family coming to meet him, he was so sweet & just cuddled and slept in every ones arms. Around 1:00 the hospital case worker came in to tell us the were about to discharge the birth mom & have her sign the papers & wanted to take him for her to say her good byes & have closure. We said absolutely, she had told us 100 times she didn't want to EVER be a mom & we had no fears so off he went.. 1hour goes by...2 hours go by... then the case worker walked back in to our little happy bubble, the place where our dreams had finally come true, the place where we had wept with joy to God for blessing us with a son, the place where our prayer were answered... she didn't have to say a word, it was all over her face. Then the words that shattered the joy, shattered our dreams & shattered our prayers "she changed her mind, I'm so sorry but she is keeping him."

*Anger*

A strong feeling of displeasure or hostility

Today 1 week later I am numb, I have cried so much this week I don't feel like I have any tears left. Today one week later at home with out our son whom we were promised, I am very angry.

I am angry because we were lied to.

I am angry because we let our guard down & trusted these people.

I am angry because we had to come home with out a baby in our car seat.

I am angry because that sweet baby went home with a mother who just 4 months earlier tried to end his life.

I am angry because we had to explain to little miss priss that the little brother that she had just met at the hospital that very morning, the one she said prayers for every night was not coming home.

I am angry because we had to send out a mass text & e-mail to our friends & family telling them the horrific news.

I am angry because we had to have our family help us pack up all of his stuff in our house so we didn't have to see it anymore.

I am angry because we have pictures on our camera & phones that we cant bring our self's to erase.

I am angry because we let her family in OUR room even tho we didn't have to.

I am angry because he can't wear the little Halloween outfit we got him.

I am angry because we didn't get to tell him good bye.

I am angry because we where only parents for 24 hours.

I am angry because we have to start over.

I am angry because we are to scared to start over.

I am angry because we don't think we can ever trust anyone ever again.

I am angry because we have a huge hole in our hearts.

I am angry because I'm so mad I can't pray.

I am angry because it kills me to see my rock of a husband cry.

I am angry because I am so mad at God.

I am angry because I'm back at work and not on maternity leave.

I am angry because God let us go through the most awful thing imaginable.
What more God, why are you putting us through this? We already went through a failed In-Vetro, an emergency hysterectomy, all the different babies that were presented to us that never happened... And now the worst of all... seeing what we where told for 2 months was our son, our baby "L" having him in our arms holding & loving him for 24 hours only to be taken from us after we fell madly deeply in love with him.

Today 1 week later I am VERY angry!